Self Reliance: Rocket Fuel for Depression and Anxiety
On our own, people are pretty vulnerable. Unlike the rest of the animal kingdom, we don’t have armor, claws, or horns for combat and protection. It’s by our cooperation and mutual support that we have survived the eons, thrived, and dominated this planet. Yet, in our culture we prize self-reliance and independence above all else. And we characterize help-seeking as weak and shameful. You’d be shocked how often I hear, “I should be able to handle this by myself.” This “bootstrap mentality” prevents good people from getting help. Even worse, this go-it-alone attitude feeds depression and anxiety like dry leaves on a campfire.
this “go-it-alone” attitude feeds depression and anxiety like dry leaves on a campfire.
Don’t get me wrong. Self-reliance can be a valuable trait, but when taken to an extreme, it can become a source of stress and negative self-talk. When we feel like we need to do everything on our own, we can become overwhelmed and anxious. We may start to feel like we are not good enough or capable enough to handle the challenges of life. The irony is: we were never meant to handle these challenges alone! Struggling on our own leads to a sense of isolation and disconnection. Then thoughts about being weak and helpless create a dreadful feedback loop that make the depression and anxiety even worse.
Imagine trying to fight a bear all by yourself. Crazy, right?
Research shows that social support is one of the most important factors in reducing anxiety and depression. When we have a network of supportive people in our lives, we are better able to handle stress and difficult situations. Imagine trying to fight a bear all by yourself. Crazy, right? So why do we try and fight our internal beasts this way? We are social creatures, and when we meet challenges with help the beasts always back down.
…when we meet challenges with help,
the beasts always back down.
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This idea of human interdependence is based on the concept of attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that humans are hardwired to form close bonds with others, and that these bonds are crucial to our development and well-being. In fact, the lack of social connection and attachment in early childhood has been linked to a range of mental health problems, including anxiety and depression.
But even in adulthood, our need for social connection and interdependence remains strong. When we have close relationships with others, we are better able to regulate our emotions and manage stress. We’re also more likely to engage in behaviors that promote our physical and mental health, such as exercise and healthy eating. Masses of scientific research shows that a therapeutic relationship with a counselor can move a person toward a more connected, healthy, and fulfilling life.
Masses of scientific research shows that a therapeutic relationship with a counselor can move a person toward a more connected, healthy, and fulfilling life.
So, how can we start to shift our focus from self-reliance to interdependence? Here are a few tips:
Recognize the importance of social connection: Some of us have been told since birth that we can only rely on ourselves in this world. To challenge this thought, remember that babies die without human touch, and adults have mental breakdowns. We need other people in our lives, and our relationships are a key factor in our overall well-being.
Cultivate supportive relationships: Reach out to friends, family, and colleagues. Seek out people who make you feel good about yourself and who you can rely on for support when you need it.
Practice vulnerability: It can be scary to open up and share our feelings with others, but vulnerability is an important part of building strong relationships. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we give others the opportunity to connect with us on a deeper level. Think about how good you feel when a friend trusts you with their problems. Doesn’t it stand to reason that your friend would feel just as good if you would trust them with your feelings?
Seek a trained guide: If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, it’s important to talk to someone who has training to deal with this issue. If your car is busted, you go to a mechanic, not a baker. A therapist can help you explore the underlying causes of your symptoms and develop strategies for managing them.
Self-reliance is an important trait. Taking care of oneself is what adults do. But realistically, taking care of yourself often means leaning on somebody else. Asking for help takes guts. Leaning on another person takes grit. Vulnerability takes courage. Look inside, and you will find these strengths.
Asking for help is new to some people. When anxiety and depression get old, try something new. Lean into the discomfort. By opening up to social support and supportive relationships, we can reduce the impact of anxiety and depression and move toward a life of worth and meaning.
